WASHINGTON - The attorney representing adult film star Stormy Daniels offered president Donald Trump a settlement which grants joint custody of the hideously grotesque creature spawn to president Trump. This settlement would be in exchange for releasing Ms. Daniels from the non-disclosure agreement she signed in October 2016 as well as child support.
MEGACITY-ONE - Judge Dredd, a legendary street judge armed the powers of judge, jury, and executioner, has taken a temporary position as a high school math teacher.
"It's judgement time," said Dredd as he dove into a pile of mid-term papers.
WASHINGTON - President Trump is shaking up his cabinet yet again with the appointment of AR-15 as the new Secretary of Health and Human Services.
"I aim to protect all remaining American lives by making it easier to buy guns," said AR-15.
WASHINGTON - President Trump decided to surprise the first lady by arranging a romantic solitary Valentine's day dinner just for her. According to everyone around Melania, this is exactly what she was hoping for and was very pleased with the gesture.
WASHINGTON - Mounting media attention for Russia’s Status-6 torpedo, a so called “doomsday weapon”, has prompted Trump to announce plans to build a “death star”. The move is seen by many in Washington as “stupid”.
WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump unceremoniously laid out national flags from various non-white countries on the floor of the oval office and proceeded to “take a dump” on each one.
WASHINGTON - A police officer can now shoot a goldfish if it moves when the officer enters a home, under a new federal court ruling issued this month.
WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump's Halloween costume is drawing criticism from the left. Trump Tweeted while at a klan rally, "I don't know what the big deal is. I wear this costume every year. Now liberals are waging a war on Halloween. Sad!"
FLORIDA - Congressional candidate Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera drew ridicule this week when she said that she was taken aboard senator Ted Cruz’s spaceship when she was a child.
WASHINGTON - BREAKING: President Trump's Health Department is preparing to release an official document defining life as “beginning at pussy grab” — a move that could signal incoming actions against abortion, contraception, and not getting sexually assaulted by presidents and creeps.
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