<![CDATA[Hooba Canoes

<![CDATA[Hooba Canoes - Politics]]>Tue, 25 Jun 2024 15:38:35 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[EPA to Allow Dumping Toxic Waste on Your Head, Pollution Standards Too High]]>Mon, 02 Apr 2018 21:18:01 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/politics/epa-to-allow-dumping-toxic-waste-on-your-head-says-pollution-standards-too-high

The Trump administration announced on Monday that it will reverse Obama-era standards that banned dumping bright green toxic waste directly on your head.

“The previous administration’s policy was wrong.” Scott Pruitt, Trump appointed administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency said, “Obama’s E.P.A., with policies banning toxic waste dumping, was politically motivated. Banning human toxic waste dumping only protects you, the person being dumped on. What about the rights of businesses to dump toxic waste on your head? We need the EPA to work on the side of business, not against it.”

Previously, toxic green sludge was only allowed to be dumped on other people’s heads. The EPA’s new rule will change that.

Pruitt, “The current standards are too high. It’s not realistic to expect business not to dump toxic waste directly on your head. It’s really the cheapest place to dump. Specifically, on your head. You. Yes, you.”

The EPA says it will also work with the fossil fuel industry on other policies such as removing all fuel economy standards, completely unrestricting offshore oil drilling, and developing tar sands oil pipeline theme parks. “Offline pipelines can double as fun slides for the kids.”

]]><![CDATA[Stormy Daniels Offers Joint Custody Of Hideous Lovechild]]>Tue, 13 Mar 2018 07:11:07 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/politics/stormy-daniels-offers-joint-custody-of-hideous-lovechild

WASHINGTON - The attorney representing adult film star Stormy Daniels offered president Donald Trump a settlement which grants joint custody of the hideously grotesque creature spawn to president Trump. This settlement would be in exchange for releasing Ms. Daniels from the non-disclosure agreement she signed in October 2016 as well as child support.

Trump continues to deny that he is the father, but refuses to take a paternity test.

The repulsive orange-haired creature, which bears an obvious resemblance to the president, has never met it's father. It has grown quickly and is now too large and destructive to live at Ms. Daniels home. It is currently residing in sewers of New York City surviving on a diet primarily consisting of large rodents, crocodiles, and city maintenance workers.

"He wants to meet his father and even howls out at night for him," said Ms. Daniels.

Ms.Daniels does not have the resources to care for the creature all by herself. "I want it to live the life it deserves, free from the threats of secret government agencies that wish to capture it and perform scientific experiments on it."

Trump, who has the resources and authority to protect his spawn, maintains that the creature must be destroyed. Some in the public believe Trump organized the secret government task force that was formed for the sole purpose of capturing the deadly creature.

The attorney for Ms. Daniels says, "Trump needs to step up as a father and be present in the creatures life. The least he could do is pay for the creature's veterinary bills."

]]><![CDATA[Judge Dredd Hired As High School Math Teacher]]>Mon, 26 Feb 2018 05:39:31 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/politics/judge-dredd-hired-as-high-school-math-teacher

PictureJudge Dredd Hired As High School Math Teacher

MEGACITY-ONE - Judge Dredd, a legendary street judge armed the powers of judge, jury, and executioner, has taken a temporary position as a high school math teacher.

"It's judgement time," said Dredd as he dove into a pile of mid-term papers.

"I am the law!"

In response to recent calls to arm teachers, Dredd is taking matters into his own hands by teaching high school math.

"The politicians are corrupt. Putting guns in the hands of teachers would lead to death and lawlessness. Then you call on the men and women of the Hall of Justice to clean up your mess. I just decided to show up early."

Despite Dredd's unorthodox approach, many students are adapting to the new learning style. "He really pushes us to learn. He pushed me so hard I broke a few ribs," said one student.

"You have 20 seconds to comply," Dredd said as he unholstered his gun while waiting on student to complete a quiz.

Dredd, "Judges are the only ones fighting for order in the chaos. These rookies wouldn't last a day on the streets of Mega City One. It's my job to get them ready." 1 in 5 students won't survive the first day of class.

"I am the law!" shouts Dredd as he dismisses class.

]]><![CDATA[AR-15 Appointed As Secretary of Health and Human Services]]>Sun, 18 Feb 2018 04:19:12 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/politics/ar-15-appointed-as-secretary-of-health-and-human-services

WASHINGTON - President Trump is shaking up his cabinet yet again with the appointment of AR-15 as the new Secretary of Health and Human Services.

"I aim to protect all remaining American lives by making it easier to buy guns," said AR-15.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) is the U.S. government’s principal agency for protecting the health of all Americans and providing essential human services, especially for those who are least able to help themselves.

"Guns don't kill people," said AR-15 at a recent press conference. "Sure, killing is exactly what guns are designed for, but it's only dangerous if you use it for it's intended purpose which is killing people."

In response to the recent Florida shootings, AR-15 spoke on the issue of mental health.

Continued below

"A lot of people in this country are suffering from serious mental health issues. I look forward to working with the gun lobby to find a solution to increase gun sales. Only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun some time after a mass shooting has already happened."

AR-15 is already extremely popular among republicans and many political analysts believe AR-15 has a chance at the presidency in the next election.

"I'm not gunning for the presidency just yet. I've got my sights set on my current job and I'll give this job my best shot," said AR-15 as he made one more gun pun.

]]><![CDATA[Trump Surprises Melania With A Romantic Dinner For One]]>Thu, 15 Feb 2018 03:42:09 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/politics/trump-surprises-melania-with-a-romantic-dinner-for-one

WASHINGTON - President Trump decided to surprise the first lady by arranging a romantic solitary Valentine's day dinner just for her. According to everyone around Melania, this is exactly what she was hoping for and was very pleased with the gesture.

"I know Melania. This is exactly what she wanted and what she deserves," said the President.

According to sources in the White House, Trump arranges these types of solitary dinners very often.

"People don't think I'm a romantic guy. But I'm the most romantic guy there is. I love to get away for the weekend. And Melanie loves it when I leave, too."

]]><![CDATA[Trump Responds to Russia’s Doomsday Torpedo With Plans to Build “Death Star”]]>Sat, 03 Feb 2018 08:58:37 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/politics/trump-responds-to-russias-doomsday-torpedo-with-plans-to-build-death-star

WASHINGTON - Mounting media attention for Russia’s Status-6 torpedo, a so called “doomsday weapon”, has prompted Trump to announce plans to build a “death star”. The move is seen by many in Washington as “stupid”.

"Set your course for Alderaan"

Trump explained in press conference Friday morning, “A friend of mine called me up and said ‘Is it true that you’re building the death star? Every president since Reagan has been wanting to get that approved.’”

“A death star can create 1.7 million more jobs for the American people. This will create tremendous growth for our economy.”

The cost of building a death star is estimated at $850 quadrillion dollars and would require 13,000 times the mineable resources available on earth. It would take 833,000 years to build.

Trump has stated “We’ll get Mexico to pay for it.”

Although it is physically impossible given the cost and timeline, Trump has appointed current Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker to command the battle station.

“The Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I have just received word that Trump has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Democracy have been swept away forever,” said Governor Walker while playing with his action figures in the tub.

“I think it is time we demonstrated the full power of this station. Set your course for Alderaan,” said Governor Walker, unwittingly referring to a fictional planet from a movie.

“No star system will dare oppose the Trump now.”

]]><![CDATA[Trump Literally Takes Dump on Flag, White House Says Media is Overreacting]]>Sun, 14 Jan 2018 00:17:17 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/politics/trump-literally-takes-dump-on-flag-white-house-says-media-is-overreacting

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump unceremoniously laid out national flags from various non-white countries on the floor of the oval office and proceeded to “take a dump” on each one.

“I didn’t do what they said. FAKE NEWS! At best I peed a little bit.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was quick to defend the president’s actions.

“The media, as usual, is blowing this way out of proportion and taking this out of context. They are completely misrepresenting the president’s statement.”

Fox News also came to the president’s defense when reporting “We should be thankful that our president has the courage to confront these issues. He perfectly articulated what we’ve all wanted to do. He's not some polished phony politician. He's a man of the people. This is why we voted for him.”

Senator Dick Durbin, a Democrat from Illinois, was in the room when Donald Trump soiled on the national flags of other countries. “That wasn’t the only thing Trump took a dump on. Let's just say a lot of the interns quit,” Durbin told reporters today (Jan. 12).

Despite a room full of witnesses and confirmation from the White House, Trump took to Twitter to deny the allegations. “I didn’t do what they said. FAKE NEWS! At best I peed a little bit.”

Several Republican Senators who initially confirmed the events later went on to say they couldn’t remember what happened.

]]><![CDATA[Federal Court Rules Police Can Shoot Goldfish If It Moves When Officer Enters Home]]>Sat, 23 Dec 2017 08:00:00 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/politics/federal-court-rules-police-can-shoot-goldfish-if-it-moves-when-officer-enters-home

WASHINGTON - A police officer can now shoot a goldfish if it moves when the officer enters a home, under a new federal court ruling issued this month.

The ruling comes after police in Battle Creek, Michigan, unloaded over 300 rounds into a small goldfish bowl while searching a home for evidence of drugs in 2013.

The goldfish’ owners, Mark and Cheryl Grendle, filed a lawsuit against the Battle Creek Police Department and the city, claiming that killing the goldfish amounted to the unlawful seizure of property in violation of the Fourth Amendment.

The district court sided with the police officers argument that the goldfish posed a clear and imminent danger to the officers. The Grendle family filed an appeal with United States Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit.

]]><![CDATA[Trump Gets into the Halloween Spirit]]>Tue, 24 Oct 2017 02:03:52 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/politics/trump-gets-into-the-halloween-spirit

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump's Halloween costume is drawing criticism from the left. Trump Tweeted while at a klan rally, "I don't know what the big deal is. I wear this costume every year. Now liberals are waging a war on Halloween. Sad!"

]]><![CDATA[Florida Politician Says She Was Abducted by Ted Cruz]]>Sat, 21 Oct 2017 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/politics/florida-politician-says-she-was-abducted-by-ted-cruz

FLORIDA - Congressional candidate Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera drew ridicule this week when she said that she was taken aboard senator Ted Cruz’s spaceship when she was a child.

While walking her dog, Bettina claimed to see a bright light in the night sky. She stopped to look closer but then her dog ran off. When she caught up to her dog, a bright beam of light enveloped them. There was a loud buzzing and she couldn’t move her body. The beam of light pulled them towards a spaceship.

“When we arrived on board, a disgusting creature emerged from the shadows. It crawled on all fours on the ceiling, made hissing sounds, and introduced itself as senator Ted Cruz. My dog ran up to it to protect me, but the creature opened its mouth and swallowed poor little fluffy whole. As I froze in fear, it explained why we need to slash corporate tax rates and repeal ObamaCare. It all began to make sense. The creature asked if it could count on my vote before it crawled away.”

"All these years later, the creature and I keep in touch telepathically. And when I’m in DC, we catch up over coffee."

Artist rendition

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