 LOS ANGELES, CA - The oral hygiene company Crest has unveiled the latest in teeth coloring technology. Its new line of teeth coloring strips will start out with 5 color options: blue, green, red, purple, and orange. The product is expected to hit store shelves later this year.
 NEW YORK, NY - The notorious gang giant MS-13 experienced its worst stock drop in nearly 2 years. Experts speculate that investors are selling shares in the gang due the latest jobs report as well as recent rhetoric from Donald Trump's state of the union speech.
 The retail and tech giant Amazon is seeking to disrupt healthcare in America by offering its own competitive healthcare options. Amazon is teaming up with Berkshire Hathaway and JP Morgan to take a giant slice out of the multi trillion dollar industry. The news immediately caused healthcare stocks to fall.
 The crash resulted in the collective loss of over $300 billion dollars worth of bitcoins. The price of just a single Bitcoin was $13,900 USD and climbing. Now it's all worthless.
 After years of struggling to appeal to any customers, the casual dining chain Applebee's is finally throwing in the towel.
 "Pharma bro" Martin Shkreli became famous when his pharmaceutical company raised the price of an HIV drug by over 600%. Despite being an incredibly savvy business move, the price hike caused a public outcry and a PR nightmare for this boy genius.
 Mega-corporation HCI (Hooba Canoes Industries) has agreed to endorse Donald J. Trump for President of the United States of America.
 When reached for comment, Charity put out a message on Vine stating she will be "going to college in order to help people or whatever".
 The Justice Department is "claiming " to have "evidence" which "makes" General Motors "responsible" for "criminal" "wrongdoing" (nobody's perfect!) connected to recent recalls.
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