After years of struggling to appeal to any customers, the casual dining chain Applebee's is finally throwing in the towel.
Interim CEO Jeb Tublemonk said, "Look, we tried everything. We tried to appeal to millennials by offering hip and trendy foods like seaweed wrapped avocado flingers, kale dusted coconut flooters, and even Mexican food. Nothing worked except the Mexican food, so we're saying adios."
In addition to changes in the menu, Applebee's also spent 50 million dollars last year installing thousands of bidets. "I guess people don't want toilets that shoot water up their collective assholes" said Tublemonk.
"The older folks didn't like the new toilets, so we got rid of them. Later, we tried appealing to the older crowd by offering massage chairs, but they just kept falling asleep and dying."
After taking huge losses from failed attempts to attracts any customer, Applebee's says it will be closing down many of its restaurants over the next several months.
"No one wants to eat any of the food here except the Mexican food. I get it now. Goodbye forever," said Tublemonk as he pulled out a pistol with a single bullet from beneath the register.
In addition to changes in the menu, Applebee's also spent 50 million dollars last year installing thousands of bidets. "I guess people don't want toilets that shoot water up their collective assholes" said Tublemonk.
"The older folks didn't like the new toilets, so we got rid of them. Later, we tried appealing to the older crowd by offering massage chairs, but they just kept falling asleep and dying."
After taking huge losses from failed attempts to attracts any customer, Applebee's says it will be closing down many of its restaurants over the next several months.
"No one wants to eat any of the food here except the Mexican food. I get it now. Goodbye forever," said Tublemonk as he pulled out a pistol with a single bullet from beneath the register.
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