<![CDATA[Hooba Canoes - Business News]]>Sat, 29 Jun 2024 15:34:48 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[Crest Unveils New Teeth Color Strips]]>Fri, 02 Mar 2018 07:29:22 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/business-news/crest-unveils-new-teeth-color-strips
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LOS ANGELES, CA - The oral hygiene company Crest has unveiled the latest in teeth coloring technology. Its new line of teeth coloring strips will start out with 5 color options: blue, green, red, purple, and orange. The product is expected to hit store shelves later this year.
]]><![CDATA[MS-13 Gang Stocks Fall Sharply After Latest Jobs Report]]>Sat, 03 Feb 2018 08:49:04 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/business-news/ms-13-gang-stocks-fall-sharply-after-latest-jobs-report
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NEW YORK, NY - The notorious gang giant MS-13 experienced its worst stock drop in nearly 2 years. Experts speculate that investors are selling shares in the gang due the latest jobs report as well as recent rhetoric from Donald Trump's state of the union speech.
"Listen foo. I ain’t gonna lie. These numbers are no joke," said one weary investor hanging outside the New York Stock Exchange parking lot in a freshly waxed 1970s Chevy Impala with chrome rims and over-sized dice dangling from the rear view mirror. “I’m gonna wait it out, homie. You gotta think about the long terms returns, vato,” the investor said as he crammed a rolled up wad of 100 dollar bills somewhere under his knee socks. “I call this ‘socks and bonds”.


An MS-13 gang spokesperson who identified himself only as “Sleepy” said, “We understand that some investors might be concerned about volatility, but we’ve posted strong gains over the last several decades. We’re extremely optimistic about the next quarter. MS-13 doesn’t fuck around.”
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]]><![CDATA[Amazon's New Healthcare Plan to Ship Doctors Via Drones]]>Sat, 03 Feb 2018 08:42:28 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/business-news/amazons-new-healthcare-plan-to-ship-doctors-via-drones
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The retail and tech giant Amazon is seeking to disrupt healthcare in America by offering its own competitive healthcare options. Amazon is teaming up with Berkshire Hathaway and JP Morgan to take a giant slice out of the multi trillion dollar industry. The news immediately caused healthcare stocks to fall.
Amazon promises to innovate by offering drone delivery of doctors and nurses. Once a customer places an order, a drone will pluck a doctor from a nearby Amazon fulfillment warehouse and fly directly to the customer’s doorstep.

“With our same-day delivery system, we’re positioning be like the Dominos of healthcare. Which reminds me, we’re taking over the pizza industry next,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, causing pizza company stocks to plummet.

Another key feature will be a free digital song download for those customers willing to wait a few days for emergency care.
]]><![CDATA[Bitcoin Investors Lose Everything After Big Gulp Spilled on Harddrive]]>Thu, 18 Jan 2018 04:05:14 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/business-news/bitcoin-investors-lose-everything-after-big-gulp-spilled-on-harddrive
Big Gulp Harddrive
The crash resulted in the collective loss of over $300 billion dollars worth of bitcoins. The price of just a single Bitcoin was $13,900 USD and climbing. Now it's all worthless.
Bitcoin is a digital currency thought to work without a central bank or single administrator. 

"The truth is that all the bitcoins in the world were actually saved on a single 2 terabyte Seagate external hard drive," said one cryptocurrency expert.

The crash happened after the hard drives guardian, Jessie Fukashima, accidentally spilled a Big Gulp full of Mountain Dew soda directly over the harddrive.

"I was running late for something and totally spilled that shit. My bad. That one is on me," said the 24 year old application development intern.
]]><![CDATA[Applebee's Finally Gives Up Trying to Appeal to Customers]]>Sat, 02 Sep 2017 11:43:43 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/business-news/applebees-finally-gives-up-trying-to-appeal-to-customers
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After years of struggling to appeal to any customers, the casual dining chain Applebee's is finally throwing in the towel.
Interim CEO Jeb Tublemonk  said, "Look, we tried everything. We tried to appeal to millennials by offering hip and trendy foods like seaweed wrapped avocado flingers, kale dusted coconut flooters, and even Mexican food. Nothing worked except the Mexican food, so we're saying adios."

In addition to changes in the menu, Applebee's also spent 50 million dollars last year installing thousands of bidets. "I guess people don't want toilets that shoot water up their collective assholes" said Tublemonk.

"The older folks didn't like the new toilets, so we got rid of them. Later, we tried appealing to the older crowd by offering massage chairs, but they just kept falling asleep and dying."

After taking huge losses from failed attempts to attracts any customer, Applebee's says it will be closing down many of its restaurants over the next several months.

"No one wants to eat any of the food here except the Mexican food. I get it now. Goodbye forever," said  Tublemonk as he pulled out a pistol with a single bullet from beneath the register.
]]><![CDATA["Pharma Bro" Martin Shkreli Wants You to Follow Your Dreams]]>Sun, 12 Feb 2017 08:00:00 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/business-news/pharma-bro-martin-shkreli-wants-you-to-follow-your-dreams
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"Pharma bro" Martin Shkreli became famous when his pharmaceutical company raised the price of an HIV drug by over 600%. Despite being an incredibly savvy business move, the price hike caused a public outcry and a PR nightmare for this boy genius. 
Mr. Smrkli was recently invited to speak at Trump Middle School.

"Yo, just because I can sell a life saving drug at an affordable price, doesn't mean I should. I ain't running a charity. I'm trying to make that schrilla, son! So go out there and make that money, kids. Shkreli out."
]]><![CDATA[HCI Endores Trump For President]]>Wed, 05 Oct 2016 18:24:38 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/business-news/hci-endores-trump-for-president
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Mega-corporation HCI (Hooba Canoes Industries) has agreed to endorse Donald J. Trump for President of the United States of America.
The terms of the endorsement are not yet publicly available, but insiders claim the deal could be worth billions if Trump becomes president. In exchange for the endorsement, Trump is expected to approve dozens of HCI pipelines and offshore drilling sites. Trump is also expected to approve a prison inmate work program that will place thousands of inmates to work at HCI factories. 
]]><![CDATA[Get Rich Today: 7 Game-Changing Marketing Tips!]]>Thu, 28 May 2015 01:54:24 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/business-news/get-rich-today-7-game-changing-marketing-tips"It's really that simple!"
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The 7 Golden Rules of Sales and Marketing:

  1. List things. People like lists because they're EASY. 
  2. Pretend to give a shit about your stupid customers.
  3. Feed their ego by calling them "boss" and "chief" (especially if they're Native American).
  4. Use cliches and buzzwords. They're game changers!
  5. Act like you know what you're talking about. YOU DON'T.
  6. Keep it short. Nobody wants to read something that goes on and on and on.  Let me tell you a story. I was driving up a mountain and I saw a UFO. That's when I crashed into a tree. Moral of the story: Keep your eyes on the road.
  7. Lie whenever possible. 
  8. Keep calling and hanging up constantly. It's fun.
  9. Exploit women.

Let's explain further...

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]]><![CDATA[Hooba Executive Gives Money to Charity]]>Tue, 26 May 2015 05:44:21 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/business-news/hooba-executive-gives-money-to-charity
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When reached for comment, Charity put out a message on Vine stating she will be "going to college in order to help people or whatever".
]]><![CDATA[Devastating News: GM Forced to Pay for Their Crimes]]>Tue, 26 May 2015 05:02:52 GMThttps://www.hoobacanoes.com/business-news/devastating-news-gm-forced-to-pay-for-their-crimes
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The Justice Department is "claiming " to have "evidence" which "makes" General Motors "responsible" for "criminal" "wrongdoing" (nobody's perfect!) connected to recent recalls. 
The Justice Department is "claiming " to have "evidence" which "makes" General Motors "responsible" for "criminal" "wrongdoing" (nobody's perfect!) connected to recent recalls.  Only 104 people have died behind the wheel and yet it's looking like America's beloved GM will be forced to pay it's greedy victims.

In a move that sets a bad precedent for future criminal investigations, GM has decided to cooperate with the Justice Department.

Lawyers for GM have released a statement:
"We will not be releasing a statement at this time."


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