Trump Cuts Subsidies, Healthcare Rates Rise

In response to the Trump administration dropping healthcare subsidies, Hooba Canoes Industries is announcing that we will astronomically raise your health plan rates beyond what you can afford. 

Key Changes

​​Costs	Rates will go up by 500% Deductibles will now be in the millions.
Terms of Coverage	Patients with pre-existing conditions will lose coverage. Conditions include: History of cancer, diabetes, elderly, baldness, lonely, twisted ankle, diarrhea, healthy people, and much more. 10% of all hospitalized patients will have their bodies confiscated for secret government experiments.
Pregnancy, maternity, and newborn care	Baby becomes property of Hooba Canoes Industries. We may use property for slave labor, research experiments, or resale.​​
Dental	Procedures will be subcontracted to dentists found in dangerous alleyways.​
Mental Health	Mandatory lobotomy and complete brain replacement.
Emergency	Paramedics will now arrive on bicycle (if they arrive at all)​.
Hospital Changes	To save space, patients will be stacked on top of each other. Nurses have been replaced by unlicensed people found on Craigslist. Click here to apply for a job. No education required. While in recovery, post-op patients are now required to perform unpaid data entry and help desk support. Medical Supplies All bandages and sutures are now replaced by glue and tape. Needles will be re-used. Doctors are no longer required to wear gloves or wash hands after restroom.

All Hooba Canoes employees will receive discounted cybernetic upgrades to allow them to perform more dangerous work tasks such as:

• Nuclear Waste Disposal
• Heavy Lifting
• Super Soldier Fighting

We understand that health insurance may be unaffordable for less successful people. To help you pay for your health insurance, the Hooba Swiss Bank now offers even higher interest loans to patients. We also accept non-conventional forms of payment such as organ trades and indentured servitude. 
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​Contact us today if you have any questions about our new healthcare plans.