Last year our father, Hooba Canoes, celebrated his 30 year resurrection. I sat down with Hooba and briefly discussed his glorious return to the land of the living, the state of our industry, and what he envisions for the future.
The story goes that for 60 years you were frozen in a block of ice and whale bile. You were kept in isolation on a military base off the coast of Chile and thawed out in the early 80s. Tell me, what do you remember about your time in suspended animation?
Nothing. I was frozen.
Okay, fair enough. What can you tell me about your thawing? That must have been an unforgettable experience.
I don’t remember the thawing bit, but I do remember opening my eyes and seeing a row of scientist types. White coats, stupid glasses. Real assholes, you know? And I had this throbbing headache and I was thirsty...as though I hadn’t had a drink of water in 100 years. The reality is that it was more like 63 years since I’d tasted water. Still, I was thirsty and I shouted at one of the scientist idiots to fetch me a cold glass of water and a vodka bottle. The military was standing there looking quite shocked. I demanded to speak with a general or someone wealthy, but they weren’t having it. I don’t think they realized who I was. I said to them, “Get me a drink and a train ticket off this scientist-infested island or I’ll have you all shot dead!” After some yelling and a bit of bloodshed on my part, I was escorted out of the building and placed on a boat bound for somewhere.
And what happened after that?
I guess there was some kind of mix up, because instead of delivering me back to my guest brothel on an island near Argentina, they put me on a flying machine headed for the Americas. When I arrived, I was collected by my great, great, great, great grandson and driven in a black stretched motor-vehicle called a limousine. I was still quite drunk at that point, but I do remember the grand-boy telling me that I was frozen for the last 63 years. It seemed a bit odd, but I wasn’t in the mood to ask questions just yet. It had been more than half a century since I’d eaten some roasted toads or a penguin sandwich and I was severely hungry. We stopped over at an establishment called “Tacos Bell”. The meat was incredible. It was comparable to hippo meat, but not as swampy. It was delicious and some time later I acquired that company. But that’s another story for another time.
Actually, I’d like to ask you about your acquisition of “Tacos Bell” and how you regained your status as the “top dog” in the business world.
I won't discuss "Tacos Bell" as there is some controversy in the news related to recent changes in meat content, but I will make a statement about the industry. We ARE the industry and we control everything. Eventually every company in the world will be owned by Hooba Canoes Industries. Any person, CEO, president who disputes that claim will quickly be dealt with. I will personally crush them and their families. That might sound harsh, but it’s threats like that that put you back on the top of the food chain. “Tacos Bell”, a company I own and have ALWAYS owned, happens to be a food chain. So in a sense, I was making a pun about food chains, but only just now realizing it.
That was a good one, Sir.
Correct.
Now, thinking about the future of Hooba Canoes Industries and of civilization, where do you see us heading? And what does that future look like?
I think the future looks bleak, but I mean that in the best possible sense. Civilizations rise and fall. It was like that was with the Romans and even some types of Chinese societies. But when the Roman Empire fell, it was Australia or some other nearby country who was there to pick it’s bones and loot it’s riches. Hooba Canoes has an even greater ability to take advantage of a today's feeble and crumbling society. And believe me, it hasn’t been easy for us to get there. It took years of fighting the “movement" drones, years of squeezing the most profit from the drone class, years of creating loopholes and strategies to keep power at the top. We had to diminish their rights, steal their money, their education, kill their spirits. But finally, the drones at the bottom are at their weakest. It's like eating rhino meat. Chewy at first, but toss it in a crockpot and that meat becomes tender.
Do you worry that defeating the drone class will impact the bottom line?
Sometimes it does, but that's the cost of doing business. You have to think long term. As an example, when I created Hooba Canoes Heating and Cooling Company back in the 1920s, I lost money. People laughed and said I'd never turn a profit. They said if the weather gets cold, people would burn wood. If it gets too warm, people would go sit under a tree. Now, thanks to my efforts to increase global warming, Hooba Canoes Heating and Cooling is unimaginably profitable. Did you know that back in the 20's their were 1000 times as many trees in the city as there are today? You can thank me for that. I bought those trees for Hooba Canoes Construction Company and turned them into chairs, tables, coffins, wood piles or whatever was profitable. Things change, and if they don't, you change them.
Interesting. You mentioned earlier that the drone class is at it's weakest point right now, but aren't you concerned that with the rise of the digital age that the drone class is more connected and therefore more powerful?
That’s nonsense. At the turn of the century, Hooba Canoes Industries did NOT have the ability to penetrate our message into the drone mind and track it’s thoughts. Now we do. Hooba Canoes Cable is able to cause internet traffic jams in websites of competing business or ideologies. We drown out all other voices. Also, in the past we couldn't suppress wages as easily as we can today. For any perceived advances the drones have made, corporations have outpaced them. The only measurable advantage the modern drone or pre-drone has is that they MIGHT benefit from schooling. Well, trust me, we’re attacking that system with full force. Hooba Canoes University will stretch across the globe and be cost-prohibitive for anyone but highest ranking drone masters. Foolish drones who borrow in an attempt to enter a Hooba Canoes University will essentially become indentured servants to the Swiss Hooba Canoes Bank.
Don’t you worry about what will happen if they read this?
Most of them are illiterate morons, but even if they CAN read, they wouldn't bother. And with the calculated destruction of the human attention span, the coordinated rise of depression, the artificial inflation of work hours, there’s very little chance anyone will have the strength to do anything about it. In fact, the politicians I fund already publicly reveal these facts all the time. It doesn’t matter because there’s nothing anyone can do about it. We have the power. These little demonstrations or rallies that emerge from the drone class, they mean nothing. If I wanted to, I could crush that too. But I have my reasons for why I don’t. Those pre-drones serve an important role.
And what role is that?
Entertainment. For some unknown reason the drone class is hideously boring. Only within the pre-drone ranks do you find worthy entertainment. As an example, I was watching a television program titled “Big Bang Theory”. I find this show fascinating. There’s this woman and she is there. Then there are these “nerds” and they seem intelligent enough, but they function irrationally. It’s really quite good. In fact, this program will soon display on my television set. This interview is finished.
Nothing. I was frozen.
Okay, fair enough. What can you tell me about your thawing? That must have been an unforgettable experience.
I don’t remember the thawing bit, but I do remember opening my eyes and seeing a row of scientist types. White coats, stupid glasses. Real assholes, you know? And I had this throbbing headache and I was thirsty...as though I hadn’t had a drink of water in 100 years. The reality is that it was more like 63 years since I’d tasted water. Still, I was thirsty and I shouted at one of the scientist idiots to fetch me a cold glass of water and a vodka bottle. The military was standing there looking quite shocked. I demanded to speak with a general or someone wealthy, but they weren’t having it. I don’t think they realized who I was. I said to them, “Get me a drink and a train ticket off this scientist-infested island or I’ll have you all shot dead!” After some yelling and a bit of bloodshed on my part, I was escorted out of the building and placed on a boat bound for somewhere.
And what happened after that?
I guess there was some kind of mix up, because instead of delivering me back to my guest brothel on an island near Argentina, they put me on a flying machine headed for the Americas. When I arrived, I was collected by my great, great, great, great grandson and driven in a black stretched motor-vehicle called a limousine. I was still quite drunk at that point, but I do remember the grand-boy telling me that I was frozen for the last 63 years. It seemed a bit odd, but I wasn’t in the mood to ask questions just yet. It had been more than half a century since I’d eaten some roasted toads or a penguin sandwich and I was severely hungry. We stopped over at an establishment called “Tacos Bell”. The meat was incredible. It was comparable to hippo meat, but not as swampy. It was delicious and some time later I acquired that company. But that’s another story for another time.
Actually, I’d like to ask you about your acquisition of “Tacos Bell” and how you regained your status as the “top dog” in the business world.
I won't discuss "Tacos Bell" as there is some controversy in the news related to recent changes in meat content, but I will make a statement about the industry. We ARE the industry and we control everything. Eventually every company in the world will be owned by Hooba Canoes Industries. Any person, CEO, president who disputes that claim will quickly be dealt with. I will personally crush them and their families. That might sound harsh, but it’s threats like that that put you back on the top of the food chain. “Tacos Bell”, a company I own and have ALWAYS owned, happens to be a food chain. So in a sense, I was making a pun about food chains, but only just now realizing it.
That was a good one, Sir.
Correct.
Now, thinking about the future of Hooba Canoes Industries and of civilization, where do you see us heading? And what does that future look like?
I think the future looks bleak, but I mean that in the best possible sense. Civilizations rise and fall. It was like that was with the Romans and even some types of Chinese societies. But when the Roman Empire fell, it was Australia or some other nearby country who was there to pick it’s bones and loot it’s riches. Hooba Canoes has an even greater ability to take advantage of a today's feeble and crumbling society. And believe me, it hasn’t been easy for us to get there. It took years of fighting the “movement" drones, years of squeezing the most profit from the drone class, years of creating loopholes and strategies to keep power at the top. We had to diminish their rights, steal their money, their education, kill their spirits. But finally, the drones at the bottom are at their weakest. It's like eating rhino meat. Chewy at first, but toss it in a crockpot and that meat becomes tender.
Do you worry that defeating the drone class will impact the bottom line?
Sometimes it does, but that's the cost of doing business. You have to think long term. As an example, when I created Hooba Canoes Heating and Cooling Company back in the 1920s, I lost money. People laughed and said I'd never turn a profit. They said if the weather gets cold, people would burn wood. If it gets too warm, people would go sit under a tree. Now, thanks to my efforts to increase global warming, Hooba Canoes Heating and Cooling is unimaginably profitable. Did you know that back in the 20's their were 1000 times as many trees in the city as there are today? You can thank me for that. I bought those trees for Hooba Canoes Construction Company and turned them into chairs, tables, coffins, wood piles or whatever was profitable. Things change, and if they don't, you change them.
Interesting. You mentioned earlier that the drone class is at it's weakest point right now, but aren't you concerned that with the rise of the digital age that the drone class is more connected and therefore more powerful?
That’s nonsense. At the turn of the century, Hooba Canoes Industries did NOT have the ability to penetrate our message into the drone mind and track it’s thoughts. Now we do. Hooba Canoes Cable is able to cause internet traffic jams in websites of competing business or ideologies. We drown out all other voices. Also, in the past we couldn't suppress wages as easily as we can today. For any perceived advances the drones have made, corporations have outpaced them. The only measurable advantage the modern drone or pre-drone has is that they MIGHT benefit from schooling. Well, trust me, we’re attacking that system with full force. Hooba Canoes University will stretch across the globe and be cost-prohibitive for anyone but highest ranking drone masters. Foolish drones who borrow in an attempt to enter a Hooba Canoes University will essentially become indentured servants to the Swiss Hooba Canoes Bank.
Don’t you worry about what will happen if they read this?
Most of them are illiterate morons, but even if they CAN read, they wouldn't bother. And with the calculated destruction of the human attention span, the coordinated rise of depression, the artificial inflation of work hours, there’s very little chance anyone will have the strength to do anything about it. In fact, the politicians I fund already publicly reveal these facts all the time. It doesn’t matter because there’s nothing anyone can do about it. We have the power. These little demonstrations or rallies that emerge from the drone class, they mean nothing. If I wanted to, I could crush that too. But I have my reasons for why I don’t. Those pre-drones serve an important role.
And what role is that?
Entertainment. For some unknown reason the drone class is hideously boring. Only within the pre-drone ranks do you find worthy entertainment. As an example, I was watching a television program titled “Big Bang Theory”. I find this show fascinating. There’s this woman and she is there. Then there are these “nerds” and they seem intelligent enough, but they function irrationally. It’s really quite good. In fact, this program will soon display on my television set. This interview is finished.