"These new animals are a bunch of nobodies"
ST. LOUIS, MO - Due to budget constraints, the Valley Family Zoo has sold it’s most interesting animals such as tigers, giraffes, elephants, and hippos and replaced them with stray cats and dogs, pigeons, rodents, cockroaches, and chickens.
The public response has been mostly negative.
“This place sucks now. There’s not even lions. Some of the overweight cats are kinda cool, but it’s still pretty lame. These new animals are a bunch of nobodies,” said one teenager.
Despite the poor reviews, park attendance is up.
One park visitor said, “You can’t beat the price. I only paid 3 bucks, but I probably could have just snuck in. There’s like no security anymore”.
Park management attributes the rise in attendance to the recent rock bottom prices and discount beers.
“Some parents have been leaving their kids here during the day, so now there are roving packs of hungry children and some of them are pretty aggressive. A couple of them bit me, but I’m pretty hammered so it doesn’t hurt. Okay, I’m going to go feed the cats more junk food now,” said one zoo animal keeper carrying sacks of cheese puffs.
The public response has been mostly negative.
“This place sucks now. There’s not even lions. Some of the overweight cats are kinda cool, but it’s still pretty lame. These new animals are a bunch of nobodies,” said one teenager.
Despite the poor reviews, park attendance is up.
One park visitor said, “You can’t beat the price. I only paid 3 bucks, but I probably could have just snuck in. There’s like no security anymore”.
Park management attributes the rise in attendance to the recent rock bottom prices and discount beers.
“Some parents have been leaving their kids here during the day, so now there are roving packs of hungry children and some of them are pretty aggressive. A couple of them bit me, but I’m pretty hammered so it doesn’t hurt. Okay, I’m going to go feed the cats more junk food now,” said one zoo animal keeper carrying sacks of cheese puffs.
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