Are you out of work? A loser stuck in a dead end job? Or just looking to make a change in a new and exciting direction? If you answered yes, then we may have a place for you at Hooba Canoes Industries.
What sets us apart from the competition is that we employ a workforce consisting mostly of women, children, illegal aliens or combinations of those three. Our diverse team does an unbelievable job, but we prefer to never let them know that. Motivation is a tricky thing. We a have saying around here: “Give them just enough encouragement to keep breathing”. Speaking of breathing, did you know that Hooba Canoes Industries has been providing all of our employees with around the clock oxygen since 1978? Sure, the high price of oxygen has forced us to make cuts in other areas, but who needs all those bells and whistles anyway? Here’s a list of perks/services we don’t provide (and you don’t want!):
It’s our policy to always hire the cheapest labor no matter their race, sex, or age. To increase the population density and encourage family ties within our organization, we’re committed to hiring females with high yield potential. This includes women with the following traits:
Hooba Canoes Industries is a fantastic place to work for women and children. Especially women who are carrying child and are willing to sign a life-term contract on behalf of their unborn child which states that Hooba Canoes Industries is their dad. The contract includes the following 3 laws:
We’re a family company and not in any small part because we mostly employ children and own children. Listen to what a former Hooba Canoes employee had to say about her positive experience:
“I was born at Hooba Canoes Industries and it always felt like a family there. In fact, I was related to most of the workers in my sector. I learned teamwork, how to walk and other invaluable skills. After I escaped from the Hooba Canoes compound to pursue other opportunities, I fell into a deep depression. It was difficult to get out of bed. I couldn’t sleep. I was suicidal and even tried killing myself by jumping in front of a motor vehicle. As I lay in a hospital bed begging the nurse to end my life, I heard a voice that said: “You’re under arrest for breach of contract”. See, the great thing about working for Hooba Canoes is the lifelong contract you sign. You can’t quit! It’s such a weight off my broken shoulders to know that after my bones heal and I serve a breezy 5 year prison sentence, that my old job will be waiting for me.”
We live in a complex and dangerous world. The global supply of oxygen fluctuates wildly and experts forecast that the United Companies of America may soon face difficult choices about how it will meet rising demands.
In order to mitigate future risk and assure shareholders that profits will rise forever, we are instituting a pilot program to stand up to “Big Oxygen” by reducing our own oxygen dependence. We call it: iHooba
Are you willing to undergo high risk brain transplant surgery and occupy a machine body in order to demonstrate your loyalty to the Hooba Canoes team? Don’t you want to be better? Don’t you want to rise through the ranks and enjoy elite level 2 status? In addition to drastically reducing your need for oxygen, this will make you more productive while also allowing Hooba Canoes, Inc. to claim lucrative tax writes-offs. As a cyborg, your machine parts will be claimed as business expenses and your organs sold on the black market. As our technically living adopted child, you will be claimed as a dependent. We will utilize many other tax loopholes and multiple insurance policies. For your loyalty you will be rewarded with level 2 status and all the perks that come with it. Window in your cell? Check. All the motor oil you can eat? Check. Longer radiation exposure? Check. It’s a win-win situation for all of us.
Now, if you really want to show us that you have what it takes to be the absolute best, you might be interested in gaining level 3 status. This is the highest status you can achieve without being a board member.
In order to become a level 3 member, you must first declare war against an oppressive government or competing company, sell all your earthly possessions and transfer the funds to the Swiss Hooba Canoes Bank, perform jihad by exploding yourself at the headquarters of a rival company and/or kidnap and execute the executives families. And if all that isn’t reward enough, level 3 status offers the privilege of an unlimited Hooba Canoes data plan on the best network, unlimited texts and minutes, and unlimited brain cleansing.
If you’re an at risk youth who’s looking for work, you're a “go getter”, rarely engage in thought crime, and enjoys hard labor, please complete our job application. What life do you have to lose?
And always remember, “Poor children are our future."
Sincerely,
The Hooba Canoes Empire
- Medical
- Dental
- 401k
- Stock options
- Lunch breaks
- Any breaks
- Weekends
- Bereavement leave
- Maternity leave
- Federal holidays
- Sick days
- Earthquake evacuation
- Disability
- Quitting
It’s our policy to always hire the cheapest labor no matter their race, sex, or age. To increase the population density and encourage family ties within our organization, we’re committed to hiring females with high yield potential. This includes women with the following traits:
- Pregnant
- A history of pregnancy
- Slut
- Murphy Brown
- High school dropout
- From a single parent family
- Daddy never loved them
- I never loved you
- A victim
- You can’t read dummy
- Willingness to become robot
Hooba Canoes Industries is a fantastic place to work for women and children. Especially women who are carrying child and are willing to sign a life-term contract on behalf of their unborn child which states that Hooba Canoes Industries is their dad. The contract includes the following 3 laws:
- The child may not injure Hooba Canoes or, through inaction, allow Hooba Canoes to come to harm.
- The child must obey the orders given to it by Hooba Canoes, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
- The child must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law
We’re a family company and not in any small part because we mostly employ children and own children. Listen to what a former Hooba Canoes employee had to say about her positive experience:
“I was born at Hooba Canoes Industries and it always felt like a family there. In fact, I was related to most of the workers in my sector. I learned teamwork, how to walk and other invaluable skills. After I escaped from the Hooba Canoes compound to pursue other opportunities, I fell into a deep depression. It was difficult to get out of bed. I couldn’t sleep. I was suicidal and even tried killing myself by jumping in front of a motor vehicle. As I lay in a hospital bed begging the nurse to end my life, I heard a voice that said: “You’re under arrest for breach of contract”. See, the great thing about working for Hooba Canoes is the lifelong contract you sign. You can’t quit! It’s such a weight off my broken shoulders to know that after my bones heal and I serve a breezy 5 year prison sentence, that my old job will be waiting for me.”
We live in a complex and dangerous world. The global supply of oxygen fluctuates wildly and experts forecast that the United Companies of America may soon face difficult choices about how it will meet rising demands.
In order to mitigate future risk and assure shareholders that profits will rise forever, we are instituting a pilot program to stand up to “Big Oxygen” by reducing our own oxygen dependence. We call it: iHooba
Are you willing to undergo high risk brain transplant surgery and occupy a machine body in order to demonstrate your loyalty to the Hooba Canoes team? Don’t you want to be better? Don’t you want to rise through the ranks and enjoy elite level 2 status? In addition to drastically reducing your need for oxygen, this will make you more productive while also allowing Hooba Canoes, Inc. to claim lucrative tax writes-offs. As a cyborg, your machine parts will be claimed as business expenses and your organs sold on the black market. As our technically living adopted child, you will be claimed as a dependent. We will utilize many other tax loopholes and multiple insurance policies. For your loyalty you will be rewarded with level 2 status and all the perks that come with it. Window in your cell? Check. All the motor oil you can eat? Check. Longer radiation exposure? Check. It’s a win-win situation for all of us.
Now, if you really want to show us that you have what it takes to be the absolute best, you might be interested in gaining level 3 status. This is the highest status you can achieve without being a board member.
In order to become a level 3 member, you must first declare war against an oppressive government or competing company, sell all your earthly possessions and transfer the funds to the Swiss Hooba Canoes Bank, perform jihad by exploding yourself at the headquarters of a rival company and/or kidnap and execute the executives families. And if all that isn’t reward enough, level 3 status offers the privilege of an unlimited Hooba Canoes data plan on the best network, unlimited texts and minutes, and unlimited brain cleansing.
If you’re an at risk youth who’s looking for work, you're a “go getter”, rarely engage in thought crime, and enjoys hard labor, please complete our job application. What life do you have to lose?
And always remember, “Poor children are our future."
Sincerely,
The Hooba Canoes Empire